I’m in a stage of my Mothering Career where I’m unraveling ALL the “beliefs” that have been crammed into me since I was a child myself. What if beliefs are just a fancy word for “very strong falsehoods based on fear”. Okay, that’s even fancier, but you get my point. Parenting in our current culture is set up in such a way to promote daily struggles ~ or if not daily struggles, then simply squashing our children’s input by bullying them.

Oh, I know “bullying” is a dramatic catch-phrase these days. Usually we talk about bullying in peer settings, such as school. We never talk about parents bullying their children.  But, isn’t FORCING them to brush their teeth every day a form of bullying? I know most would say it’s for their own good. But when we say things like that, we clearly have an agenda ~ and it’s  a FEAR-PUSHING agenda. We are saying “You HAVE to do this thing you don’t want to do OR something REALLY BAD will happen!”

How many times are we, The Loving Parents, FORCING fear down Our Dear Children’s throats?

The following are all the things I’ve been questioning in regards to my children, my Mothering, and our cultural consciousness over the past year. Since November 2011, I’ve been in a period of rapid awakening, and within that awakening I’ve found that our fears have been TRAGICALLY limiting us. When we are living simply to “keep bad things from happening” it takes our energy away from far more important pursuits…like our LIMITLESSNESS. And in our LIMITLESSNESS, anything is possible…ESPECIALLY the impossible.

So, even if the following content challenges you (or you just think I’m a crazy loon) indulge me a bit and consider:

What if our kids REALLY DON’T need to brush their teeth everyday?

I started considering this one when my second son was about 2 years old and each tooth-brushing session became a reality trip straight through hell. I would literally have to pin him down to do it and it became the most stressful part of the day.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that pinning him down to brush his teeth was probably much more harmful than skipping it and keeping our relationship intact. It was at this time I decided to approach teeth-brushing from a place of LOVE instead of fear ~ if he wanted to do it we would sing silly songs as we brushed, if he wanted to skip it, we did. It became much more harmonious, and now at 5 years old tooth-brushing is done very smoothly…on a semi-daily basis.

Now, both of my older children had early cavities, but this happened BEFORE the semi-daily-love-brushing-changeover. They got their cavities while I was forcibly brushing from a place of fear, which brings me to my next question:

What if cavities are not caused by certain foods..but by cultural conditioning?

It would have been so easy for me to blame myself for my children’s cavities…and in fact, I did. I blamed myself, beat myself up, and then went on a rampage to “fix everything.” I cut out sugar, read all the alternative-tooth-care books and links, started cramming cod liver oil down their throats, said “NO!” to all grocery-store-treats, among various other fun things. Yes, in my fear I decided to create even more fear.

Then I started talking to other people about their children’s teeth and it seemed like ALMOST ALL OF THEM had dramatic tooth stories to tell! Even the people who were “doing it all right” with raw food, gluten-free-crap, and zero-taste-fun had children with cavities. There seemed to be no magic formula for healthy teeth….except maybe one. In my informal sociological research, I discovered that the people who worried very little about their children’s teeth had children with healthy teeth. And on the flip-side, it seemed that the MORE “health-conscious” the parents were, the worse off were they kiddos. Now, I’m not saying this is the way IT IS….it’s just what I noticed in my own daily life. And this is what led me to the dramatic reconsideration that perhaps it’s not food at all that causes cavities ~ perhaps it is the WORRY and FEAR and EXPECTATION of cavities that leads to cavities.

I know I didn’t want to teach my children to be afraid of food. So I stopped regulating and controlling and just went back to saying YES. Imagine my dismay when there was more cavities at the next visit. As I sat there, frustratingly pondering WHY the hell there would be more cavities when I’m NOT afraid of food anymore, my infinitely wise inner voice said, “You’re not afraid of food. Now don’t be afraid of dentists.”

Of course! Fear of food, fear of dentists, fear PERIOD creates cavities.

I know I’m right on this.

Which brings me to my next question:

What if our bodies know EXACTLY how to heal themselves without any outside help?

I’ve always felt this way about our bodies ~ that they have enough natural wisdom to do what they need to do. It’s why I’ve always had unassisted homebirths and we’ve never had a regular doctor. And since we’ve been speaking of teeth and dentists, let’s keep that conversation going.

I believe children have an innate wisdom about their bodies that stays intact until well-meaning adults squash it. If it weren’t for my old programming of fear around food and/or dentists I do believe my children’s cavities would heal themselves without them even having to think about it  ~ who knows maybe they’re healing right now even as I write this! I believe an intentionally well-guarded secret is that our bodies actually need NO OUTSIDE assistance to heal…but that little gem would sell a lot less drugs and lots of high-paid people would be out of a job, so I don’t expect the masses will jump on board just yet.

I’m not even jumping on board 100% yet, as I will keep taking my children to the dentist…while also expecting their cavities to heal themselves.

If we trusted our children a little bit (okay, A LOT) more I think we’d be utterly amazed by what their bodies can do…all by themselves.

And speaking of children’s body wisdom…

What if our children dislike vegetables for a reason? Maybe little bodies don’t need a lot of vegetables yet?

If forcing our children to brush their teeth is a form of bullying, then forcing them to eat vegetables is too.  All three of my babies have been great eaters ~ they will eat whatever I put in front of them whether is cake or carrots. Somewhere around toddler-hood is when they start to get picky. I can count on one hand how many vegetables my two older sons will (willingly) eat. Now, at almost 8 years old, my oldest son is starting to get adventurous again ~ he asked me to buy him an orange pepper at the store last week because he’d never had one before. I’m happy to see it and it also strengthens my notion that perhaps at certain ages, kids DON’T NEED to eat a lot of veggies. Right now, my just-turned-5 year old will only eat raw carrots, lettuce, and black olives. For years my first son only ate lettuce and onions (on tacos). I never really got perturbed by this, because I remember my own childhood-body-wisdom that only wanted to eat lettuce and onions.

Now, if you have a kiddo that loves veggies, all the power to you (though try not to look so smug). If you don’t, try not to worry. Keep offering veggies (without fear or expectation) and eventually one day (perhaps many years from now) that child will say “Yum” and ask for more.

I would say this notion of trust also applies if your child likes only a limited amount of any food. Maybe they NEED to eat just peanut butter sandwiches for a year. Which brings me to:

What if our children can get the highest nutrition from ANY food they eat?

Let’s just play with this one for a bit. What if those peanut butter sandwiches are giving that child’s body everything it needs. Futhermore, what if that peanut butter sandwich is giving that child even more than what it says on the nutrition label? I once read about a gifted child telling an interviewer that he could eat a potato chip and get the same nutrition he would from an apple.Why rule it out when believing it is JUST SO MUCH MORE FUN?!

Let’s take it one step further and say:

What if our children don’t really need food at all, but eat it just because it’s fun?

Okay, this may be stretching us a bit too far right now. But, speaking from personal experience, I fully know that when we raise our vibration to a certain frequency not only can we eat any food and have it go through us like water, but we actually need very little food at all. 

If this is something I’ve been experiencing in the last year and know to be true, why shouldn’t it be true of our children who are already at a higher vibration than we are?

Look, I know this is challenging. I know that there are probably only a handful of people that will read this and GET IT. Probably even less that will read this and BELIEVE IT.  All of this could be considered crazy, impossible, outrageous, and lunacy. It goes against the grain of EVERYTHING we’ve been taught. Which brings me to my final question…

What if EVERYTHING we’ve learned up until now is….FALSE?

****

P.S. There is A LOT more I’ve been questioning, so I anticipate a Part 2. Please add any “rethinking” of your own that may be included in the next post! See you in crazy-town!

* Warning: This post is emotionally charged and contains multiple f-bombs (’cause you know, colic does that to you). Reading this will put you at risk of being highly offended …or highly enlightened. * 

No, no, not THAT “c-word.” The OTHER one: Colic. Oh that damn, heart-wrenching, emotionally-charged, makes-my-palms-sweat “c-word.” I wrote about my personal adventures with colic while I was going through it with Kai. Now someone I know is going through it with her newborn and I’m finding that it’s making those heart-thudding emotions bubble up inside me again as she looks for answers. Because other than the advice I’m giving her, all the other advice she’s getting is the kind that made me want to scream when I was looking for answers and advice. And I’m sorry to say this to all those well-intentioned people who offer it up (truly, I know you’re lovely, wise people and I deeply apologize for the following) but the advice I HATE the most…no, no “hate” is not a strong enough word…let’s use LOATHE and DETEST, yes, that’s better. The advice I LOATHE and DETEST the most is the advice that says it’s the mother’s diet. Now before you close this window because I’ve offended you, let me concede to the fact that I know SOME colic causes are due to the sensitivity of a baby’s tummy. I, too, have heard the stories of how colic all but stops when the Mama gives up fucking gluten and fucking dairy (sorry for the f-words, I can’t help it. I told you this was emotionally charged for me and I just have to throw down some f-bombs to make myself feel better).  But that wasn’t MY answer when I was going through colic. And yet every website I perused while desperately searching for a solution all pointed to the fact that it’s the Mama’s fault. Because isn’t that what we’re REALLY saying when we say it’s her diet? We’re really saying “Mama, it’s something YOU’RE doing that’s causing YOUR baby this discomfort. And if you’d JUST STOP doing it, then your baby will be better.”

Is it irrational that I feel this way? Maybe.

But you know what? I LOVE my fucking dairy! I LOVE my fucking gluten! I had an eating disorder when I was a teen-ager, I ate all the “right” food when I was a personal trainer including all that low-carb crap. I’m DONE depriving myself of ANYTHING. I’m DONE feeling GUILT about any kind of fucking food. When Kai was crying non-stop I knew it was for a reason and I knew he was telling me something…but I REFUSED to believe that his crying was a way of saying to me “Mama, I came all this way to tell you that you should really give up dairy.” To me, it just seemed ridiculous. Now, I admit that I DID give up fucking dairy and fucking gluten for a couple of days because I WAS that desperate to make the crying stop…but it didn’t change anything other than make me more cranky than I already was. Not only did I have a baby with colic but I had to give up my favorite fucking foods. (I’ve always said that bread and cheese are my power foods. I believe Kai knew that coming in.) The advice-givers told me I didn’t give up the food long enough to make any difference. Fuck you, food police. (Geesh, I’m so sorry. Taking a deep breath…)

The point I really want to make with this post…is that I’m VERY FRUSTRATED to see that the ONLY causes or solutions to colic that are offered up address the physical: “it’s gas, it’s food sensitivity, it’s reflux.” What if it’s NOT? What if it’s ENERGETIC or EMOTIONAL? Are you telling me babies can only cry because of PHYSICAL reasons? They’re just so little and new that the ONLY thing they have to cry about are their new bodies? Are we really STILL THAT SHORT-SIGHTED?

One of the reasons colic was so difficult for me was because there were no answers or advice out there that made sense to me. None of it resonated. None of it. And since I couldn’t find my answers “out there”, I did the only thing I could. I looked within. I asked my heart AND my baby for the reasons behind the crying. And in the stillness and the silence, I found my answers. The answers that made sense. The answers that resonated. And the answers that made the difference. And they had nothing to do with gas, food sensitivity or reflux…Kai’s colic had much bigger reasons. You may not believe the reasons if I told you but it doesn’t matter. When I found my own answers, I felt empowered. I got my family back. I stopped falling apart and instead came together WISER and STRONGER. When I found my own answers I had a game plan and I knew how to handle the constant screaming. Instead of feeling alienated by my crying baby, I felt more BONDED TO HIM THAN EVER. I felt such strong LOVE, AWE, GRATEFULNESS, and HONOR to be in this baby’s presence. If you’ve ever experienced colic, you know how powerful it is to be able to say that.

Are you wondering about the reasons of Kai’s colic and about the answers I found? That’s another post. (Sorry to be a tease, but it needs it’s own story. And one with a lot less f-bombs. They wouldn’t be YOUR answers anyway.) But I will tell you what I think colic is.

Colic is a tool. It’s perhaps the most powerful tool a baby has  ~ to send us messages, to work through birth trauma, to transition into their bodies, to mourn (yes, I ABSOLUTELY believe that a newborn can mourn). Babies don’t cry for no reason and colic is a baby’s way of “shaking to off”. It’s HEALTHY and PRODUCTIVE. When a baby with colic cries, that baby is HEALING him or herself. I bet you won’t find that answer anywhere else. And if you do, send me the link/book/quote so I can energetically smother that person in hugs and kisses.

Here’s something else you can use. If your baby has colic, LET THAT BABY CRY! I don’t mean “crying it out” or leaving a baby on it’s own to deal with it. I mean, that after you’ve tried all the comforting, soothing, and shushing from all the other advice-givers and baby is still crying, hold that baby and tell her what a good job she is doing working it all out. Tell him he’s strong and brave and that he’s going to feel better soon. After a big bellow, offer up some kisses and a “That was a good one” cheer. OFFER YOUR BABY A SAFE SPACE TO CLEAR IT OUT and ALLOW it to happen! See how that changes everything ~ for YOU. And your partner, and your children AND your baby.

I believe there IS ALWAYS A REASON a baby is crying. Sometimes it may be physical. Sometimes it might be something else entirely. Acknowledging there is a reason doesn’t mean we have to KNOW the reason ~ and it doesn’t mean we have to FIX the reason. What if we just trusted babies more? What if we trusted that THEY know the reason, THEY know how to deal with it  and THEY know how to heal it…by crying. And what if we let them trust US by giving them safe arms to work through it, a loving voice to cheer them on, and the gentle promise that they’ll feel better soon.

I admit that I don’t have all the answers when it comes to colic. But I do have AN answer. An answer I couldn’t find anywhere else when I was so desperately looking. And that answer is, colic is your baby’s way of healing and it should be allowed, honored and trusted. If you and your baby are dealing with colic, maybe that’s your answer. Or maybe your baby did come all this way to tell you to give up dairy. Only YOU know. Be silent, go inside, and see what resonates. Trust yourself, trust your baby, and trust that you’ll all come out more WHOLLY beautiful on the other side. ♥

P.S. No matter what, going through colic is not easy. Please be sure to take care of yourself. My way of taking care of myself was to go for a run every other day. It was my way of “shaking it off.” As I told my hubby back then, “I either yell, cry, or go run.” Needless to say, he was very supportive of my running. My runs provided me the energy, endorphins, and endurance I needed to deal with a baby who cried all. day. long.

P.P.S. I’m also going to give you permission to ignore the advice that says colic last for 3 months. When you’re in the thick of it, it is NOT comforting to know that it will be over seven fucking weeks from now. I gave myself permission to ignore that “fact” and my baby Kai’s colic stopped after 19 days. He did cry all. day. long. so I believe he was “fast-tracking it” and perhaps got 3 months worth of crying done in 19 days. Who knows why it didn’t last that long, but I like to believe it’s because I offered a safe place of ALLOWING. Give it a try and get back to me.

P.P.P.S. If you are going through colic, I need to give you some great big hugs and lots of love. I know how difficult it is and I also know what a FANTASTIC mother you are. You are a BEAUTIFUL mother and your baby thinks so too.

A day we didn't let colic stop us.

Colic transformed into coo's!

***********

Read my 4-part Series “Adventures in Colic:”

Part 1: My Worst Baby Nightmare

Part 2: When Kai is Crying

Part 3: From Weepy Mama to Wise Cheerleader

Part 4: The Calm (Baby) After the Storm

So, I’m giving myself permission to put that post on the back-burner for now. I’m letting myself off the hook just so I can BE in this blog again. ‘Cause I like it here. There’s something magical about Love From Baby and I can feel a blooming energy around it.

Our Facebook page has increased from 16 likes since my last post to 414 ~ that’s in less than 30 days! It’s a fun page too ~ I pull cards a couple of times a week for pregnant Mamas from my Prebirth Communication Oracle Deck, I feature some beautiful pages of doulas, midwives, and other birth junkies, and I post some really adorable pictures. Please join in the fun, if you haven’t already.

Since my last post, Kai turned 9 months old. One Monday a few weeks ago he cut his first tooth, started crawling, started pulling himself up to stand, started waving AND started signing “milk.” This was ALL IN ONE DAY! Since then life has been a bit busier. I’m finding I’m getting less done because I can’t just plop Kai down with things to play with. Now I have to constantly monitor him. The changes take some getting used to ~ it’s a good thing he’s so darn adorable.

Life is sweet right now. I feel on the verge of something REALLY GOOD, although I can’t articulate what exactly. I know many of us are feeling that way right now and it’s exciting. A true SHIFT is occurring and we are smack dab in the middle of it. I hope you are feeling it too.

I’d love to hear from you! What are your babies doing now or how is your pregnancy going? Do you have any projects you’d like to share a link to? Tell me  EVERYTHING! I’ll get the tea on. ♥

Love and Sparkles,

Kate

Well! This is my first blog post in over 5 months. My last post was about how calm and happy Kai had become at 7 weeks old after he’d stopped his crying episodes. Isn’t funny how calm babies don’t give us as much to write about?

My sweet baby angel, Kai, is now 8 months old and is the biggest blessing that has happened to our whole family. He is simply pure magic and I could go on and on about him (and probably will in future posts) but right now there is some business at hand.

You are looking the brand-spankin’-new Love From Baby website! (It’s not too fancy but it’s the best I can do with my limited wordpress capabilities and I don’t think it’s too shabby.)  THIS is now where you can read my blog, sign up for Love Notes from Baby, and order the Messages from the Womb/Beautiful Birth Meditation combo.

Speaking of the meditation combo, it is NOW available for DOWNLOAD! (For those that have been asking, I’m sorry it took so long!)

I’ve also included a DONATE button for those Love Notes From Baby fans who have literally ASKED for one (I think this is the sweetest, most wonderful request and I am not one to turn down free money!  Thank you in advance!)

You can also sign-up to receive updates to my blog posts through email or RSS feed (I have not yet figured out the RSS feed thingy, but if you have ,all the power to you!)

And just one more thing, Love from Baby now has a Facebook page!  So come like me! Pretty please? (Seriously, I only have 16 likes right now and we all know that makes me a loser in Facebook land, right?)

(Wow, this post has a lot of parentheses. I guess I really like talking in parentheses.)

I know I’m probably more excited about this new website than anyone else, and I suppose that’s fitting. I just like BEING here and working on it. IT FEELS RIGHT.

I plan on keeping this website and blog current with info about not only prebirth communication, but birthing, and babyhood, and toddlerhood, and 7 year oldhood, Mamahood and many other cool things. And I still want YOUR stories!

Share with us a prebirth story or a birth tale or anything else that you deem an everyday miracle! (And if you have a link, include it so we can see what awesome things you’re up to.)

Okay! That’s it for today! I’m so happy to be back!!!

Wishing you Love, Sparkles, and Happy Babies,

Kate

Happy Baby Kai sucking on some frozen raspberries!

The day I wrote my “Wise Cheerleader: Adventures in Colic Part 3” post…Kai stopped crying. Just like that.

That was exactly a month ago and I still vividly remember watching him sleep that first calm day. He looked more in his body, definitely more settled. The change was dramatic and palpable. After two episodes of non-stop crying ~ one that lasted 10 days, and one that lasted 9 ~ he was done. And that was it.

I didn’t feel the overwhelming relief I did the first time he stopped crying (perhaps because I knew it could return). What I felt was a quiet acceptance and even a satisfied-expectation. It just felt right ~ like “of course he’s done.”

Today he is almost 11 weeks old and he’s now the happy, happy baby he “told” me he was. He’s even becoming, dare I say….easy. 

We’re in baby bliss mode and it feels absolutely scrumptious. And even though those 19 days were so, so, so hard, I wouldn’t trade them in for anything.

Those 19 days taught me more about unconditional love.

They taught me SO MUCH MORE about the art of allowing.

They taught me how to listen to my baby (and how much they REALLY CAN communicate with us if we just tune in).

And most of all they showed me my strength as a Mother. The last 7 days of constant crying, even though I was exhausted, I felt empowered. And I felt strongly, STRONGLY bonded to my incredibly brave, wise, crying baby.

As a mother who used to do EVERYTHING to keep her babies from crying, I learned that sometimes the ONLY thing you can do (if you’ve already done everything else) is to ALLOW them to cry ~ and provide them warm arms and a safe environment to work it all out.

I’ll never be able to thank my Baby Kai enough for taking me on this journey with him.

He’s been a surprise since the beginning ~ and I can’t wait to see what else he has in store.

Kai, the Diamond in My Sky!

It all started with an incredibly HARROWING day where I cried every time Kai did ~ so much so that when I looked in the mirror my eyes were all red, puffy, and swollen. I was doing everything I could to find out WHY Kai was crying, so that I could try to help him ~ a trip to the doctor, endless internet searches, and even 2 trips to psychics! No one could tell me definitively WHY my baby was crying, therefore I didn’t know how to help him.

That harrowing day I went to bed heart-broken with my swollen eyes, not knowing how to help my crying, hurting, beautiful baby boy. I begged to my higher self  in the dark”I just want to feel GOOD without having to change Kai ~ HOW can I do that?”

Then I woke up at 1:00 am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I thought maybe I’d do more internet searches or maybe write in my journal. Instead Kai moved around restlessly in between the states of wakefulness and sleeping, so I picked him up and rocked him… and then decided to ask HIM why he was crying.

Soon what I felt coming from him were the words “Mama, I’m actually a happy baby. And I’m very healthy, as you’ve always known. This is just something I have to energetically get through ~ and once I do, I’ll be just fine. Trust me, trust me, trust me.” And as I hugged him and rocked  him I felt waves of energy coming over us and I said “I believe you, I believe you, I believe you!” It was so moving, I got teary (again).

The next day my dear friend, Marcia, came over to do some cranial-sacral-therapy on Kai. She’s so wonderful at what she does, and it was incredibly magical watching Kai allow her to do this work on him. I held the space for all of us and focused my energy on Kai. After the session (and without knowing about my conversation with my baby the night before) Marcia told me that Kai spoke to her, saying that” he’s actually a very happy and very healthy baby, that he’s working through some energy and he’ll be just fine”. I was overcome to hear these same words come from her mouth that I had intuited just a few short hours before ~ I was giddy with the validation.

Later when Kai awoke from his nap, he immediately started crying so I took him the bath. While in the bath, I heard the words “His transition was so fast, he’s having trouble coming into his physical body. But he’s fast-tracking this and it’ll be over soon. Just allow this and support him. The more you LET him cry, the faster he’ll move through this.” This really was an incredible paradigm shift. I had been spending all my time trying to distract, stifle, and stop the crying…I had NEVER thought to ALLOW it. NEVER!

More waves of energy came over me and I decided I would be Kai’s cheerleader. With this new information and perspective I KNEW how to help him ~ by ALLOWING. So, the rest of our bath I cheered him on. With each big cry I’d say something like “That was a good one!” or “You’re doing it, Kai,” or “Good for you, Baby” and OH! HOW THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING!!!!  I felt EMPOWERED!

Kai cried for an hour in the bath, and the rest of the evening he was peaceful. And so was I.

I told my family what our new strategy should be and they were eager to help. Each time Kai cried we’d gently cheer him on, while holding him and surrounding him with love. And you know what happened? I got my family back.

My husband and I felt connected again, as a team.

My children came around to see Kai, even when he was crying, to say hi to kiss him. (I thought they were staying away from Kai because of the crying, but they were staying away because of MY REACTION to his crying.)

We were laughing again.

There was peace…even amongst the crying. We had found a way to be BLISSFUL with colic ~ by ALLOWING it.

Now, I’d like to wrap this little story up in a bow and say that we lived happily ever after ~ or even that Kai stopped crying soon after. But life isn’t quite like that, is it? This was 7 days ago. My cheerleader lasted 5 days, and then took a day off yesterday.

From Monday to Wednesday Kai cried worse than he ever has, getting red marks around his eyes. I didn’t see his smile or dimples for 48 hours.

But today I’m hopeful again. Today I’m cheerleader again. And maybe that’s how it’ll be ~ a few days of grace followed by moments of tears. But today…today is a good day.

When Kai is happy my family is in a GOOD place.  I thrive as the mother of three boys and watch my husband do the same as a father.

When Kai is happy we both feel that the third child is the easiest, smoothest, and even most magical transition of all our babies.

When Kai is happy we take pictures at every opportunity. My bigger boys so look forward to Kai waking up so they can “see his eyes” and take turns holding him.

When Kai is happy my world feels steeped in magic.

When Kai is happy it is precious and beautiful.

But…

When Kai is crying my boys stay away.

When Kai is crying we all pray for him to keep sleeping because when he wakes up he’s either screaming or we’re waiting in morbid anticipation of the screaming.

When Kai is crying my husband and I take turns losing it and holding each other up. My boys take turns worrying.

When Kai is crying there are definitely NO photo ops.

When Kai is crying I feel like I’m neglecting my other children and our family is falling apart.

When Kai is crying I mostly hole myself up in the bedroom with him, not wanting witnesses to my personal hell.

When Kai is crying I often cry with him.

And yet sometimes….

When Kai is crying I can support him gracefully as he works through it.

When Kai is crying I can smother his face in kisses and tell him over and over again how loved he is.

When Kai is crying I can look past the tears and see his Divinity.

When Kai is crying I can cling to him and love him fiercely.

When Kai is crying I can tell myself (and him) that it’s only temporary and he’ll feel better soon.

When Kai is crying I can fully realize the strength and grace of MYSELF as a Mother.

And mostly…

When Kai is crying I know there are higher reasons for this happening ~ that it’s something he (and we) have to go through and that we’ll all come out better, brighter and more beautiful than ever on the other side….

I love you, Kai…fiercely.

I ran today for the first time in 7 weeks. And I ran fast and desperately ~  almost flailing even. And it was pouring rain, which most people probably wouldn’t care for, but it felt soooo good to have water on my face that wasn’t my own tears. It was actually cathartic. You see, I’ve been crying. A lot. And so has my baby.

Yes, my sweet, beautiful, angelic baby Kai seems to have colic. Or as I call it “The C-Word”. A word that has always so terrified me that I would never even linger on it in the baby books, afraid that it would jump off the page and infect my unborn fetus. And now here is my worst nightmare, staring at me straight in the face… and screaming its head off.

When my calm, peaceful, and content baby turned 3 weeks old he started crying. Nonstop. It was so bad that I took him to the doctor 6 days into it, because I just couldn’t look at Kai and believe that he wasn’t suffering for SOME REASON. The doctor is a friend of ours, and after asking me about my medication history (I had just stopped taking my migraine medicine after taking it for weeks) suggested that I take Kai to Starbucks for a big ol’ latte ~ he was sure that Kai was suffering from caffeine withdrawal. At first I was shocked ~ why hadn’t I thought of that? The timing of his crying did closely correspond to the cessation of my medication. Then I was relieved ~ if it was caffeine withdrawal then it would be over soon. Next I was triumphant ~ I KNEW my babies didn’t get colic!

I think I was almost jubilant when I relayed the news to my husband (yes, I could have easily gone down the whole “it’s all my fault he’s suffering because I took Excedrin” road but I made a very conscious choice NOT to go there, because frankly, I couldn’t function without my medication….and that’s that).

Our doctor-friend told us that it would work itself out of his system in a few days and he should be just fine. And guess what? Four days later Kai stopped crying and went back to our calm and content baby. I was so relieved I wanted to shout from the roof-tops “My BABY is better! My baby is BETTER! MY BABY IS BETTER!!!!!!!”

Oh, the profound and utter RELIEF after ten days of hell. Ten days that made me so sympathetic and empathetic to parents (especially sensitive, hormone-ridden mothers) who had to endure this for days and weeks and months on end. Ten days where I seriously considered seeking out medical help and a bottle of pills because I suspected I might have Postpartum Depression. Oh, the absolute, complete, and rapturous (and I admit, somewhat smug) RELIEF. It really was one of the sweetest emotions I’ve EVER had.

Then one week later, Kai started crying again.

And I immediately started crying with him, as I was totally heartbroken to be in this place again. If you’ve never been in this place then you’ll never understand the gamut of emotions it brings out in you. The despair, frustration, anger, helplessness, hopelessness and rage ~ sometimes all in the span of sixty seconds. If you have been there, then you deserve a freakin’ medal ~  the Purple Heart, because living with colic does wound you. Maybe not mortally, but close.

So often in the middle of his crying jags (which for the record don’t come at night for just a couple of hours, but come pretty much EVERY time he is awake, making the whole day a horror movie) I’d picture myself running from the house screaming ~ just running out the front door and leaving it all behind me.

So when I went running today, I ran as if I really WAS running away ~ fast, desperate, and flailing. Perhaps I should have taken it easy as it was my first postpartum run (we shall see how I feel tomorrow!) but at that time I NEEDED to run and run FAST, to at least pretend I was putting it all behind me. A mile into it I started to feel better. Two miles into it I actually started to hear the sound of my inner voice again (which had been so drowned out by the screaming).  At the end of my run I asked for the stamina and wisdom to support Kai as he goes through this brief period of time.

Hearing my inner voice (which is always wisest on my runs) and feeling the endorphins gave me the strength to go back home. I even WANTED to go back home. It was actually a blissful drive home and I felt I could handle my horror movie of a day ~ maybe even gracefully.

I came home to a smiling husband and a quiet baby, all swaddled up and sleepy. The crying inevitably started again when Kai awoke, but for the first time in four days I didn’t cry with him. I was even provided with the wisdom to handle his crying in a much different way, a way in which I felt empowered and even graceful (which I’ll share in future posts).

So yes, Kai cried his sweet little head off today, but it was a good day. A day that didn’t end with me feeling broken. I even feel like maybe I can make it through another day. We shall see….

(There’s so much more to say but this post is getting too long. Stay tuned for more of my colic-musings. In the meantime I wish you wisdom, grace, and happy babies.)

*******

Read the whole “Adventures in Colic” Series:

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

First off, in case you’re not familiar with the term “baby-moon” it’s very similar to a honeymoon ~ except it’s the bonding and falling in love with a newborn baby. Typically the baby-moon phase lasts anywhere between 4-12 weeks. I’m smack-dab in the middle of week number 2 and oh, how fiercely I love my little dark-haired son. Oh, the moments of bliss as I touch his tiny little toes and kiss his sweet little mouth. And when he’s awake and looking around with his dark blue newborn eyes, I truly feel as though I’m in the presence of greatness. So often I’m moved to tears as I luxuriate in his beauty and his newness.

But, I must confess, it’s not always like this. When he was just 2 days old and I was still grappling with the shock that I was nuzzling a boy instead of my Lilah I started to feel anger…no, RAGE…bubbling up inside me. It was night-time and my husband, Graeme, and I were trying to navigate bedtime with our 6 year old son Finn and 3 year old son Roan, as well as take care of our newborn son Kai. My 3 year old had been awakened by the baby and we had to start all over. As Graeme went downstairs with our Baby Kai, I noticed the rage gurgling in my heart. I wasn’t angry with Roan for waking up or with Kai for waking him up…I was angry with Lilah. VERY angry. Overcome with fatigue, overtaken with exhaustion, and overwhelmed with the realization that I had yet another nursling who will be attached constantly, limiting my time and my freedom, I really let her have it. I was willing to do this all over again for HER ~ as I felt she’d been asking. Frankly, I never really thought of having three children until she came to me and for HER I decided to do it.

So I started mentally yelling at her. “How DARE you!” I raged.  “How DARE you! After 3 years of dreams, intuitions, and visions of you! After all the promises of you! How DARE you visit my friends in dreams! How DARE you make me draw the “Daughter” card over and over from my oracle decks! How DARE you send me all these signs that you’re on your way! I put myself out there claiming my certainty of you thinking I was spreading the magic of prebirth communication…and now I feel that everyone is disappointed for me! How DARE you not show up!”  

The anger, I must admit, felt REALLY GOOD. I allowed myself to rage as needed, silently and quietly in my head. The next morning I woke up with it still lingering as I vehemently cleared the “Daughter” card from my alter and covered her name up on my vision board. And as I did this I heard her say, “Your anger is appropriate. Give it to me ~ I can handle it.” So I did and I even called her a few choice names as I yelled and cried.

My beloved husband came in shortly thereafter, saw my tears and asked if I wanted to talk about it. “Okay,” I said, “But it’s not going to be pretty.” And then he provided me with a safe place to vent and process my feelings, with no judgment. He fully supported me and even agreed with me, which is what I so badly needed.

As the day continued on I started to feel more peaceful and, at times, even elated. I felt Lilah again and I felt her celebrating. My anger was not only appropriate, it was essential ~ and acknowledging it instead of repressing it was allowing me forward LEAPS in our journey. It would have been so easy to repress it ~ as we’re just not “supposed” to have such thoughts after giving birth to a healthy baby. And we’re certainly not “supposed” to talk about it. But acknowledging those things I’m not “supposed” to brought me to a new place ~ a place not just of acceptance, but a place of embracement (it’s not a word, but it should be). I found a place where it finally started to feel RIGHT to say the name “Kai,” a place where it feels PERFECT to have another boy, and a place where I don’t have to understand everything in order to be at PEACE with it.

Interestingly enough, I’ve never felt a shred of anger toward my newborn, Kai. Curiosity yes, anger no. And maybe that’s because I was gifted with safe places to process my anger ~ with my husband and with Lilah.

Many friends have said they don’t feel like Lilah and I are done, and I can’t help but agree. I don’t know what form it will take but I feel we’re destined to meet one day. In the meantime I’m finally (and quickly) in a state of embracing and rejoicing Kai. Thank you, Lilah and Kai, for the gifts in each moment of our journeys together. I love you both….

Our Angel, Kai

I’m lying here on the bed next to my tiny, dark-haired baby….BOY. I already love him so much. Though he is a stranger, I already know his wisdom and courage. He’s already shared with me that it’s appropriate to mourn Lilah even as I rejoice with him.

We had an easy, gentle and fast birth in the privacy of our candle-lit bathroom ~ just my husband and me, as we are accustomed. I had started feeling MUCH better on August 13th (the full moon) and my husband and I both knew I would give birth shortly after I started feeling better. That night of August 13th, I went to bed feeling such RELIEF that I was feeling blissful ~ I felt like I had made to the other side of something extremely powerful that I still can’t even comprehend. Baby and I enjoyed an exchange of intermingling feelings of relief, bliss, and accomplishment…and now that I think about it, Baby was moving around so much that night that perhaps that is when Lilah switched with him.

I know gender-switching sounds crazy, but there are others who believe this to be a real phenomena that can happen in the womb..and I can’t help but feel that’s what happened in this case, because I KNOW Lilah was there. I also know that the “healing crisis” I went through the past 3 weeks has a lot to do with this outcome. From material that fell in my lap, it’s obvious that part of what I was experiencing was an internal rewiring to help me withstand higher frequencies AND to help me give birth to a high vibrational baby ~ THIS is that baby and I feel Lilah has gifted us with him.

And though I wholeheartedly embrace this beautiful gift, I know I must mourn Lilah as I’ve been expecting her for over 3 years, have dreamed about her constantly, shopped for her blissfully and felt like I already knew her. So this morning I tearfully packed all her clothes away and said goodbye. I’m so disappointed not to be meeting her but I know all is PERFECT and in Divine Order. Maybe someday soon I’ll get a glimpse of the bigger picture ~ for now I need to say goodbye to her so I can fully move toward this handsome, dark-haired boy who has so much to teach me.

He’s nameless for now, but we’re leaning toward “Kai” ~ which means REJOICE.

Happy Birthday, Little Boy. We love you.

P.S. There is a large part of me that feels guilty even writing out these words as I’ve been blessed with a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and another beautiful birth. But denying my feelings would not serve me ~ and I think it’s important for others to read this in case they’ve ever felt guilty for the same feelings. My disappointment over not meeting Lilah doesn’t in any way diminish my love for this new, wonderful boy. There is wisdom in the journey, just as there is wisdom in the sharing. And now that I’ve told my story, I’m feeling much peace. Off to cuddle my newborn. Love to you….