Sep 25 2011
When Kai is happy my family is in a GOOD place. I thrive as the mother of three boys and watch my husband do the same as a father.
When Kai is happy we both feel that the third child is the easiest, smoothest, and even most magical transition of all our babies.
When Kai is happy we take pictures at every opportunity. My bigger boys so look forward to Kai waking up so they can “see his eyes” and take turns holding him.
When Kai is happy my world feels steeped in magic.
When Kai is happy it is precious and beautiful.
When Kai is crying my boys stay away.
When Kai is crying we all pray for him to keep sleeping because when he wakes up he’s either screaming or we’re waiting in morbid anticipation of the screaming.
When Kai is crying my husband and I take turns losing it and holding each other up. My boys take turns worrying.
When Kai is crying there are definitely NO photo ops.
When Kai is crying I feel like I’m neglecting my other children and our family is falling apart.
When Kai is crying I mostly hole myself up in the bedroom with him, not wanting witnesses to my personal hell.
When Kai is crying I often cry with him.
And yet sometimes….
When Kai is crying I can support him gracefully as he works through it.
When Kai is crying I can smother his face in kisses and tell him over and over again how loved he is.
When Kai is crying I can look past the tears and see his Divinity.
When Kai is crying I can cling to him and love him fiercely.
When Kai is crying I can tell myself (and him) that it’s only temporary and he’ll feel better soon.
When Kai is crying I can fully realize the strength and grace of MYSELF as a Mother.
When Kai is crying I know there are higher reasons for this happening ~ that it’s something he (and we) have to go through and that we’ll all come out better, brighter and more beautiful than ever on the other side….
I love you, Kai…fiercely.