prebirth communication

Love from Baby….Birth Announcement.

August 15th ~

I’m lying here on the bed next to my tiny, dark-haired baby….BOY. I already love him so much. Though he is a stranger, I already know his wisdom and courage. He’s already shared with me that it’s appropriate to mourn Lilah even as I rejoice with him.

We had an easy, gentle and fast birth in the privacy of our candle-lit bathroom ~ just my husband and me, as we are accustomed. I had started feeling MUCH better on August 13th (the full moon) and my husband and I both knew I would give birth shortly after I started feeling better. That night of August 13th, I went to bed feeling such RELIEF that I was feeling blissful ~ I felt like I had made to the other side of something extremely powerful that I still can’t even comprehend. Baby and I enjoyed an exchange of intermingling feelings of relief, bliss, and accomplishment…and now that I think about it, Baby was moving around so much that night that perhaps that is when Lilah switched with him.

I know gender-switching sounds crazy, but there are others who believe this to be a real phenomena that can happen in the womb..and I can’t help but feel that’s what happened in this case, because I KNOW Lilah was there. I also know that the “healing crisis” I went through the past 3 weeks has a lot to do with this outcome. From material that fell in my lap, it’s obvious that part of what I was experiencing was an internal rewiring to help me withstand higher frequencies AND to help me give birth to a high vibrational baby ~ THIS is that baby and I feel Lilah has gifted us with him.

And though I wholeheartedly embrace this beautiful gift, I know I must mourn Lilah as I’ve been expecting her for over 3 years, have dreamed about her constantly, shopped for her blissfully and felt like I already knew her. So this morning I tearfully packed all her clothes away and said goodbye. I’m so disappointed not to be meeting her but I know all is PERFECT and in Divine Order. Maybe someday soon I’ll get a glimpse of the bigger picture ~ for now I need to say goodbye to her so I can fully move toward this handsome, dark-haired boy who has so much to teach me.

He’s nameless for now, but we’re leaning toward “Kai” ~ which means REJOICE.

Happy Birthday, Little Boy. We love you.

P.S. There is a large part of me that feels guilty even writing out these words as I’ve been blessed with a beautiful, HEALTHY baby and another beautiful birth. But denying my feelings would not serve me ~ and I think it’s important for others to read this in case they’ve ever felt guilty for the same feelings. My disappointment over not meeting Lilah doesn’t in any way diminish my love for this new, wonderful boy. There is wisdom in the journey, just as there is wisdom in the sharing. And now that I’ve told my story, I’m feeling much peace. Off to cuddle my newborn. Love to you….

Inviting my daughter to be…..a boy.

It feels a bit strange to be writing this post so close on the heels of my very first post where I declared the certainty of my unborn babe being a girl…

…but in every attempt to alleviate this two-week-long-headache, some have suggested to me that I may want to try to mentally accept that this babe might be a boy. Interestingly enough, the thought that this could be contributing to my headache had really never crossed my mind. But if anything, this baby has taught me about letting go, being flexible, and having a Plan B (I’ve never been a Plan B sort of gal. EVER.).

So yesterday my husband, little boys, and I held a “Family Circle” on the floor around a candle where we formally invited baby into our lives ~ and asked her to do so safely, soundly, and totally healthy. Then I told Lilah that I accept and welcome the boy energy that is floating around her, whether it’s her angel, an energetic twin, or Lilah herself. Of course, we needed to pick out a different name so we chose a family name of my husbands’.

Am I still certain my baby is girl? I have to admit that yes I am, but I’m trying to be open to another son. So without further ado, let me introduce our Plan B:  our little boy Levick.

Will I go from 2 homebirths to a C-section? Maybe…..

I have to admit just writing the title of this post scares the shit out of me. But I’m in a place of accepting this may the way little Lilah has to come into the world.

Not only were my first 2 births homebirths, they were unassisted homebirths ~ I labored totally on my own and only let my husband in when I felt each baby wiggling out. Both were indescribable peak experiences. Each left me feeling incredibly POWERFUL, like I could do absolutely anything. Sometimes I draw upon the power of these births when I’m feeling the need for confidence or empowerment.

Even though I would prefer to only give birth in this manner, I’ve had the feeling since the beginning of this pregnancy that Lilah may need something a little different.  My husband has even admitted to wanting more support for this particular birth, for reasons he is unable to articulate.  I think we are both picking up on Lilah’s needs and I’ve often had the vision of a midwife here at our house silently in the background while I labor.

Just making the leap from unassisted homebirth to a midwife attended homebirth is a big leap for me….and now it’s my best case scenario.

I’ve had a migraine headache for the past 10 days and despite energy work, acupuncture, and an appointment with a chiropractor just 4 hours ago, it’s still there full-force and throbbing away.

I’m very fortunate to have a midwife I’ve been able to call-on (as unassisted birthers like myself are a huge liability to them) and she’s been helping me the past week. She got high blood pressure readings from me the last 2 days, and that on top of a migraine can indicate a problem. So together with my husband we all discussed the different scenarios that may happen, and one of them just may be to go to the hospital and get the baby OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d ever have this kind of conversation….and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d find a place of acceptance this quickly.

But one of the beauties of pre-birth communication is being able to tune in to our children and their needs, and if this is what she needs then I’m on board…even if it does scare the shit out of me.

Luckily my blood pressure has come down (I’m thinking it was caffeine-induced, as I NEVER drink caffeine and I’ve been throwing it back with tylenol to ease my headache pain). My husband has been monitoring it constantly and both he and the chiropractor got readings of 118/80.

But the headache…oh, the headache.

So, what am I doing? Due to a fortuitous phone conversation from Amanda, one of my Fairy-Friends in Guam last night, ( who happened to call at a time I was up throbbing in pain) I’ve decided to prepare for both. I’m going to contact a doctor and write up a birth plan while I also talk to my midwife about being here at home for the birth.

My first two births taught me how powerful I am, and I now know no one can rob me of that power. And as I’ve said to a couple of my friends since last night, maybe I had these 2 wonderful births to prove to myself how empowering birth can be at home…and maybe my role right now is to prove how empowering birth can be at a hospital, no matter what the circumstances.

No matter what happens, I’m trusting….trusting my daughter, trusting that all is unfolding exactly as it should, and trusting I’ll come out of this more powerful than ever….

P.S. I think I’m beginning to understand why I started this blog so close to birth ~ Lilah wants to talk to you too and have you witness our journey, no matter what it may be.

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UPDATE: Good news from my midwife ~ it’s NOT preeclampsia. My urine is healthy, my blood is healthy, and my blood pressure is back to normal. Baby is fine too. The headaches seem to be an anomaly. I’ve been getting a lot of support and energy work and am feeling about 20% better (though I’m soooooo exhausted).  I’m still exploring all options and have an appt with a hospital midwife on Monday. All bases are being covered and I’m open to whatever direction it takes. Thank you ALL so much for your love and support ~ it’s bolstered me during this challenging time. Love to you!