For those of you concerned….

I’ve received some emails, phone messages, and FB posts from those who are concerned and tracking my end-of-pregnancy-adventure. I probably should have posted something sooner, but frankly I just haven’t had the energy. I’ve just been cocooned in my house and attempting to find “harmony in my healing,” as one dear friend so eloquently put it.

First and foremost, I just want to say that BABY IS FINE. Even I am FINE. In case you missed the update in one of my earlier posts, here it is:

UPDATE: Good news from my midwife ~ it’s NOT preeclampsia. My urine is healthy, my blood is healthy, and my blood pressure is back to normal. Baby is fine too. The headaches seem to be an anomaly. I’ve been getting a lot of support and energy work and am feeling about 20% better (though I’m soooooo exhausted).  I’m still exploring all options and have an appt with a hospital midwife on Monday. All bases are being covered and I’m open to whatever direction it takes. Thank you ALL so much for your love and support ~ it’s bolstered me during this challenging time. Love to you! 

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That update was from a week ago. Since then I’ve been to the chiropractor again, had some fabulous acupuncture and cranial-sacral-therapy from 2 wonderful friends and my head-pain has diminished about 70%. It seems that my spine and neck are quite out of alignment and I can attest that this baby is carrying VERY differently than my first two ~ all out in front.

I had an appointment with a hospital midwife on Monday, and I have to say I was SO IMPRESSED! She was totally accepting of everything on my birth plan, assured me they would be there if I needed, but told me they were still hoping I’d get the homebirth I’m used to. So this morning I filled out the paper work for both the hospital and for a home-birth-certificate ~ and am truly remaining open to whatever direction this takes.

So, I’m still in a little pain, but I haven’t taken any Tylenol in 3 days and I’m teaching myself to embrace and relax into the discomfort ~ simply accepting the pain instead of running or resisting it, I have to say, has probably brought me more healing than anything else. And  as I’ve learned, that’s the secret to giving birth as well.

Truthfully, the past 2+ weeks have been a gift. Though it’s been challenging in SO MANY ways, I’ve stretched my comfort-zone so much that there isn’t even a zone anymore. I’m truly open in a way I’ve never been open before. I’m not trying to control the situation, as I’m so accustomed to doing. I’m experiencing a true surrender to the Divine Flow and knowing no matter where it takes me, I’m empowered, powerful, AND protected.

Thanks for caring and love, love, LOVE to you.

Inviting my daughter to be…..a boy.

It feels a bit strange to be writing this post so close on the heels of my very first post where I declared the certainty of my unborn babe being a girl…

…but in every attempt to alleviate this two-week-long-headache, some have suggested to me that I may want to try to mentally accept that this babe might be a boy. Interestingly enough, the thought that this could be contributing to my headache had really never crossed my mind. But if anything, this baby has taught me about letting go, being flexible, and having a Plan B (I’ve never been a Plan B sort of gal. EVER.).

So yesterday my husband, little boys, and I held a “Family Circle” on the floor around a candle where we formally invited baby into our lives ~ and asked her to do so safely, soundly, and totally healthy. Then I told Lilah that I accept and welcome the boy energy that is floating around her, whether it’s her angel, an energetic twin, or Lilah herself. Of course, we needed to pick out a different name so we chose a family name of my husbands’.

Am I still certain my baby is girl? I have to admit that yes I am, but I’m trying to be open to another son. So without further ado, let me introduce our Plan B:  our little boy Levick.

Will I go from 2 homebirths to a C-section? Maybe…..

I have to admit just writing the title of this post scares the shit out of me. But I’m in a place of accepting this may the way little Lilah has to come into the world.

Not only were my first 2 births homebirths, they were unassisted homebirths ~ I labored totally on my own and only let my husband in when I felt each baby wiggling out. Both were indescribable peak experiences. Each left me feeling incredibly POWERFUL, like I could do absolutely anything. Sometimes I draw upon the power of these births when I’m feeling the need for confidence or empowerment.

Even though I would prefer to only give birth in this manner, I’ve had the feeling since the beginning of this pregnancy that Lilah may need something a little different.  My husband has even admitted to wanting more support for this particular birth, for reasons he is unable to articulate.  I think we are both picking up on Lilah’s needs and I’ve often had the vision of a midwife here at our house silently in the background while I labor.

Just making the leap from unassisted homebirth to a midwife attended homebirth is a big leap for me….and now it’s my best case scenario.

I’ve had a migraine headache for the past 10 days and despite energy work, acupuncture, and an appointment with a chiropractor just 4 hours ago, it’s still there full-force and throbbing away.

I’m very fortunate to have a midwife I’ve been able to call-on (as unassisted birthers like myself are a huge liability to them) and she’s been helping me the past week. She got high blood pressure readings from me the last 2 days, and that on top of a migraine can indicate a problem. So together with my husband we all discussed the different scenarios that may happen, and one of them just may be to go to the hospital and get the baby OUT. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d ever have this kind of conversation….and never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d find a place of acceptance this quickly.

But one of the beauties of pre-birth communication is being able to tune in to our children and their needs, and if this is what she needs then I’m on board…even if it does scare the shit out of me.

Luckily my blood pressure has come down (I’m thinking it was caffeine-induced, as I NEVER drink caffeine and I’ve been throwing it back with tylenol to ease my headache pain). My husband has been monitoring it constantly and both he and the chiropractor got readings of 118/80.

But the headache…oh, the headache.

So, what am I doing? Due to a fortuitous phone conversation from Amanda, one of my Fairy-Friends in Guam last night, ( who happened to call at a time I was up throbbing in pain) I’ve decided to prepare for both. I’m going to contact a doctor and write up a birth plan while I also talk to my midwife about being here at home for the birth.

My first two births taught me how powerful I am, and I now know no one can rob me of that power. And as I’ve said to a couple of my friends since last night, maybe I had these 2 wonderful births to prove to myself how empowering birth can be at home…and maybe my role right now is to prove how empowering birth can be at a hospital, no matter what the circumstances.

No matter what happens, I’m trusting….trusting my daughter, trusting that all is unfolding exactly as it should, and trusting I’ll come out of this more powerful than ever….

P.S. I think I’m beginning to understand why I started this blog so close to birth ~ Lilah wants to talk to you too and have you witness our journey, no matter what it may be.

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UPDATE: Good news from my midwife ~ it’s NOT preeclampsia. My urine is healthy, my blood is healthy, and my blood pressure is back to normal. Baby is fine too. The headaches seem to be an anomaly. I’ve been getting a lot of support and energy work and am feeling about 20% better (though I’m soooooo exhausted).  I’m still exploring all options and have an appt with a hospital midwife on Monday. All bases are being covered and I’m open to whatever direction it takes. Thank you ALL so much for your love and support ~ it’s bolstered me during this challenging time. Love to you!